On being a Teacher, a Daughter, Getting sick and Everything in between. (All in Random)

When I first entered St. Mary's Academy Pasay as a Teacher, I was a completely different person. Though I knew two from my faculty mates, I still kept to myself. I didn't talk much. I didn't even ask questions. I just sat there minding my own business. It took me awhile before I actually tried to interact with my co-teachers. The problem is not really because they're not approachable, because they are. The problem lies within me. Before I went to SMA. I already closed myself from befriending other people because I'm simply tired of it. I wanted no one but my own company. But as I observed them each day, I thought that I wanted to be a part of it all. Of their family. So I allowed myself to be open to them. To talk and to laugh and to just share myself. And it was fun. IT IS FUN! They were like the pills that take my anger and stress away after a long school day. They were one of the reasons why I wake up everyday and go to school. 

Last Tuesday night, I got sick. I didn't know the reason because I was okay when I got home. I even slept feeling hot so I didn't use my blanket. But I woke up around 1 am convulsing because I was feeling cold. That was the first time that it happened to me. I was so scared so I woke my dad and my mom up. They did everything for me to feel alright. I was like a little child again being nursed by my ever loving parents. I felt dramatic that time because I saw how my mom and dad love me and what I give them is my indifference. It took me an hour and a half to stop shaking and fell asleep. I was advised to stay home the next day and my parents did too. They took care of me the whole day. I felt blessed. It happened again the next night so I still couldn't go to school again. We went to the doctor to ask what's wrong with me. They had me under CBC. (It's when they steal your blood to detect how many RBC, WBC, hemoglobin, platelet count, etc. you have) Thank goodness I'm Superwoman and I'm not afraid of needles and stuff! My doctor advised me that I should rest so that meant that I should stay home for the week. And since I'm Superwoman - a good heroine, (I'm not a rule breaker ever since birth) I listened to the doctor and stayed home. We would have to monitor my platelet count since there's an outbreak of dengue to make sure that I don't have. And thank God! I don't.

I felt bored at home doing nothing. I was not allowed to surf the net, I was not allowed to text, I was not allowed to watch tv, and for the love of myself - I was not even allowed to read a book! Every now and then, I thought of my work mates and of my students. I thought of the things that I should be done doing by now. I thought of the outside world which I miss so much!


Now going back to being a teacher in SMA, I was deeply touched with my faculty mates. The thought of them missing me is something that I'll always keep in my memory bag. Of course, another thing that makes me happy is the thought that I'm being missed by my students as well. 


It's annoying, me getting sick, but I'm thankful that I'm being missed by those people whom I also miss. I'm thankful that God didn't allow such worse things (dengue) to happen to me. When I get back to school, it will be as if I didn't get sick at all. :)

Where were you last night?

(A short story for my Creative -Writing Class)

“Where were you last night?” He looked at me. Sipped his soda. No answer. It must have been a hundredth time that I asked him since this morning. And it’s the hundredth time that I didn’t get a response. I’m getting pissed off and I don’t want to nag him anymore so I picked up my things and left him in the caf. He didn’t follow me. He used to follow me whenever I walked out on him. Why didn’t he follow me? Did it mean that anytime soon he’ll call me and yell at me? No. I haven’t done anything wrong last night. Nothing that I could remember. He even said he had fun.

I’d noticed that he’s tired when I saw his face yesterday. I told him that perhaps he should rest, but he’s the one who insisted we do it. So we did. When we parted last night, he seemed distracted. I’d been sending him messages asking him where he was; if he had arrived home. But until I fell asleep, there was no response.

          “He’s just tired. Perhaps he needs space.” I talked to one of the closest persons to him that I know. His best friend. Honestly, I feel so annoyed all the time. It’s not because he never talks to me, I’m used to that attitude of his, but the fact that he never tells me anything anymore makes me go mad. It’s like he had already closed his door and threw the key away where I couldn’t find it. “You know how he is. Just let him be.” She said.

What made me more pissed off is that the other person I know whom I could talk to about this was also missing. He hadn’t shown up since this morning and he’s not returning my messages or answering my calls either. The last time I talked to him was yesterday before I went out with his brother, he was at home and I told him that I would call him as soon as I get home. I did. But he didn’t answer. Just like what he’s doing right now which really piss me off. I missed him. But all I can do is wait till he show up later.

I remembered the time when I met this guy. I’d never imagined how he became his brother. They were different in so many ways. And yet they have this deep connection. Like twins who could feel what the other feels. From that moment, I had this desire to be a part of their lives. But what part exactly? That I didn’t thought about. Until the moment came that I needed to choose.

          “You lied to me! You used me!” I couldn’t forget how he yelled at me in the lobby. His eyes burning with pure hate, ready to erase my image in his sight and in his mind. “It was not on purpose. It just happened.” I was in tears and I tried to explain but he wouldn’t listen to me. That’s how he is, plain stubborn and childish, unlike his brother who is mature and has sense. “I’m sorry.” Then just like that I walked away and left him standing there in rage.

          “You should’ve told me. We could’ve done this together.”

          “He’d only get mad at you. I couldn’t risk it. He’s your brother. You’re family. It’s too important than us.”

          “We’ll fix this.”

          “No. I’ll fix this. It was my fault anyway. I would do anything just so he wouldn’t blame you for this.” And without another word, I stood up to find him.

          I went up to him that time and said sorry. I begged him and he had forgiven me. On one condition.

         

          “Aren’t you happy with me? Why do you need him? He’s my freakin’ brother! You could’ve picked anyone but him!”

          “I didn’t plan for this to happen! I love you too. But your brother, he’s, he’s different. I’ve loved him from the moment I saw him and nothing could ever change that. ” I tried to reason out with him but he wouldn’t listen. That’s just the way he is.

          “From now on, you stay away from him. If you don’t, something bad will happen to him!”

          “He’s your brother. You’re family. You can’t do that. I know you won’t.”

          “You’ll see. It’s just simple. Me or him.” He left without another word.

After classes yesterday, he approached me and asked me to go with him. He said that it would be the last and that he’s willing to let me go and give way to mine and his brother’s love. I was surprised, but I felt happy. Something inside me suddenly believed in miracles. Though, I noticed that he looked tired. I told him that maybe we could go another time and that he should rest, but he insisted we go. So we did. We went to the amusement park and spent the whole night. On our way home, I cannot wait to call his brother and tell him that we’re now free. That we could now be together with his brother’s approval. We can now be happy.

I waited last night. But there was no call from him. No text either. Even from his brother. I started to panic, but I tried to calm myself by thinking that perhaps they were just talking. Perhaps they have reconciled. Perhaps they were catching up with each other. Making up for the times that they have lost because of me. I fell asleep thinking of them. Of tomorrow –

- which is today. Now I sit here, under the mango tree. Where we used to sit after a long day. Honestly, I’m getting bored. But the thought of seeing him and hugging him made me feel excited. But what’s taking him so long. I’ve been here for two hours. Still no sign of him. Until I heard someone crying behind me. It was his brother’s best friend.

“What happened?” I asked her.

“Are you serious? You didn’t know?!” she spat at me.

“I wouldn’t be asking you if I do. Whatever’s the matter with you?!” I spat back.

“He’s dead! He’s dead because of you!”

For a moment, I thought I was hearing nonsense talk, or perhaps I was asleep, but I’m not. A tear fell and trickled down my cheek. It’s not true. I don’t believe it. I run to find his brother. As I do, it’s as if my tears were running too.

Eventually, I saw him there. Sitting on a rock in the school garden where I first met the two of them. He’s not moving. He’s not even crying. He’s just staring nowhere.

“What happened to him?” I asked.

“He rests now. That’s what you wanted right?” He looked at me straight in the eyes. This is the first time that I feel afraid of him.

“I don’t. I – I don’t understand.” More tears were rushing down my cheeks. I feel as if I’m red with rage or loneliness or fear.

“It is.” He stood up walking towards me. “I told you to stay away from him or something bad will happen. You didn’t.”

“But you’re family. I’d never thought you would – .”

“I never thought that I would too. Until you came. You’re my life. I’d do anything for you. He’s gone now. We could be together now. We could start anew.” He’s trying to hug me but I started to run. I run as far as I could. Away from him. Away from everything. Away from what I did.  

          

Ironic

I love you, but I'm just wasting my time. Sometimes, my head and my heart can be so stupid in making decisions for my own good. People already laid down safety nets just so I would think again and weigh what I feel. I guess I'm just so hardheaded that I'm still coming back to you even though I know how you would do anything just to get rid of me and my drama. If you're tired of shooing me away, I'm also tired of chasing you around. Yet you wonder why I still stick to my daily routine of hanging around you. It's because of the simple fact that the more you wanted me out of your life, the more determined I am to get in.

Buntong Hininga

Bakit?

Sige.

Ano ba?

Wag na.

Meron ba?

Wala?

Ano yan?

Ano yun?

Ano 'to?

Siguro nga.

Baka.

Sigurado ka?

Paano na?

Ganito nalang?

Ok na?

Tapos na?

May kasunod?

Wala na.

Ganun pala.

Ayos lang.

Kaya ko?

OO.

Ako pa.

Kaya mo?

Ewan.

Pero.

Sapat na.

Dito nalang.

Malabo ka.

My Forever Love

My first time on an airplane it's you that I saw
I enjoyed the ride
I love how you look at me and pass by me
I love how you ask me if I needed assistance
(i wanted so much to say that it's not assistance i need,
it's YOUR HEART that you should offer)
Then the plane landed
My excitement faded
Your presence I could no longer feel.

Many days I prayed to see you again
I was hoping that our paths would cross somehow
Even a glimpse would do
But I was disappointed
You never appeared before my eyes
Because when I heard that your plane landed
I'm boarding another plane
Losing the chances of seeing you again.

Now it's been a long time since we met
I've always dream of seeing you
of hearing your voice
of smelling your scent
of feeling your presence near me
It is MY DREAM, MY HOPE, MY AMBITION, MY GOAL.

You have always been special to me
You are MY PAST, MY PRESENT, My FUTURE
You are whom I needed in this life
You are the one who keeps MY ABSENT HEART beating.

I am alive
But still there's a missing part of me
A hole in my heart that should be fixed
and YOU are the only one who can fix it
You are my salvation
You are my system
You are my LIFE-LONG DREAM
You are my LIFE.

I am WAITING
Waiting for you to come back
Waiting for the reunion of our soul
Waiting for the joining of our life
Waiting for my dreams to come to life
Waiting for my prayers to be answered.

You alone can save me from this misery
You alone can take me away from this world
You alone can ENTER MY SOUL
You alone can OWN MY UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
I am now, and still waiting for you
Because it is ONLY YOU that I WANT
Because you are MY FOREVER LOVE.

Adviser = Hardships

I got mad at my Advisory Class. (Well, there's nothing really new to it, even the sins that they have committed are just the same with those of the last times.) Unlike before, I implemented silence. I didn't want to talk to them. I didn't even want to see their faces. I didn't mind them for days, and during those times I cried. It hurts me deeply whenever we have moments like that. I'm not comfortable with it. But I thought that if I talk to them soon enough after the conflict, they would just think that I'm not serious about it so there's the tendency that they might do it again. 

Before the morning ceremony, a girl went to the faculty room and gave me a cupcake with a mini "Sorry" banner tucked into it. She told me that Victory (my Advisory Class) asked her to give that to me. I instantly thought that it's what other people call "pampalubag loob". I didn't eat it right away. Instead, I placed it there in front of me and looked at it every now and then. The truth is, when I received that, my pain vanished. Not entirely, but parts of it. 

When I arrived in class for our subject, I was giving them the smile again. The smile that I spared them for how many days. It was not really the effect of the cupcake at all. It was because I miss laughing and talking with them too much that I could not continue my indifference to them anymore. During dismissal time, I went back to our classroom (because that's what advisers should do, you go back to your class and check them before they leave) like I used to do in the afternoons which I didn't do during the days that I was at war with them. 

The moment they saw me entered the room, one of my students said with excitement; "Miss, you came back for us!"

That was the moment when I realized that I am important to them too. That even though I could never feel it, they somehow love me as their adviser. That was the time when I started to think that they're too noisy because that's what they are. That time, I thought that I would never again wish for them to be good kids because they're not. I know that we would always have a sequel of everything that have happened before. We're just like having a Series of Unfortunate Events there. I think that it's time to stop scolding them and start accepting them as what they really are. 

HER diary (A short story)

(The only short story of my Creative Writing subject days that was left in my PC's documents folder.)

I used to look at him in the past. With awe. With doubts. With love he didn’t knew and won’t know. Now I look at him from here. With pain. With tears from my eyes. With hate for what I am.

When I think of those times I was with him, I cry. It’s just too sad that when I got close to him, I was the one who had to turn back.

It was a day when the rain was so hard. I bumped him in the hall. I could not speak then. I just stood there and looked at him. He smiled at me. And I smiled back. Then he asked if we could hang out. And I said yes. Things went so fast. We spent time with each other a lot. It was real. Me and him. But I could not tell him how I felt for him. I was too scared. I thought that it would pain my mom to hear that I broke my pledge to not love a guy. And the day came that I knew he won’t know how much I love him.

It was a day when the rain was so hard. Like the time we met. My aunt came to our house. I came home with him. My aunt saw him and starts to talk in the cant that our clan only knew. I told him to go home and that we’ll just hang out the next day. That night I asked my dad why me. Of all the ones there is, why me. I’m not well trained, I’m not good, yet they would take me. My dad just kissed me in the cheek and tears fell down his eyes. He said that I would be pleased there. That I would be with my mom. Then we slept.

I have not thought that they would take me soon. The next day, my aunt came with my mom. They brought me a black dress, a pair of black boots, a black hat, and my own broom. My mom has changed. And I know that I would too, once I take the vow that I am one of them. One who knows the black art. Up to now I still couldn’t say out loud what we are. I asked my mom if I could still see him. But she said no. She said that if he learns what I am, he would tell. And they would kill him. So I didn’t force what I want. I went with them hushed.

My dad said that I would be pleased here. But he’s wrong. It’s too sad. My life is too sad. I couldn’t see my dad, and him. I was banned to fly out of the wall that links my world and his. I am in pain that I could not be with the ones I love.

Now I look at him from here. I used to do this a lot. I was only banned to go there, but not to look at him from here. He’s at our house; just like what he does all the time since the day I left. It hurts me when I saw how he looked like when my dad told him that I was gone for good. That I would not go back. He fought tears. I’m sure that he did. Cause when he turned his back I saw him wiped his eyes. Right then when I saw him cry, I must have gone out of the wall and on my way to him on my broom. It was too fast. The next thing I knew he laid there on the ground. Life left him. And when I looked up, I saw my mom with rage in her eyes, and my aunt with a smile that I would hate all my life.

I hate what I am. For my clan's laws. For the pains it caused me. When I was born. When they took me from dad. When they didn’t give me the chance to live my life. When they ended his life for good. When they didn’t give me the chance to love. Up to now I still could not make out the word of what I am. And I guess I won’t ever will.

Now ends my pain. It is time that I pass the pain to them. I fly out of the wall. And let the earth see what I am.

A New Blogger

Yssa Quijano. Teacher. Traveler. Book lover. NEW BLOGGER.

Just for starters, I'm not really into blogs or anything. I always hear about blogs from my friends but I never really thought of making one. First, because I wanted to keep stuff about life to myself, my cousin Hannah, my parents and of course to my closest friends. Second, I was not always online. Third, I have my diary with me which literally lives inside my bag. Fourth, and perhaps the nonsense-est reason of all - I'm too lazy to type. 

The only reason why I decided to blog is because of what's recently happening into my life. I don't really have anyone to tell everything to because of certain reasons which are:

• I'm now on a journey called "Teaching" and there's a lot that I wanted to share about it;
• I can't always talk to my parents because I go home late and they're about to sleep when I get home;
• My friends are too busy as I am and we'll probably just steal the limelight from each other if we talk because reality check - they are also teachers and there are a lot of things that they surely wanted to spill about;
• I don't talk about things to someone if I'm not comfortable with him/her;
• I'm tired of writing so now let me try typing;
• My life's getting interesting as days pass by;
• I'm still freakin' single with no one special (except my mom or dad) to tell how my day was; and
• I just wanted to express everything that I experience and feel.

I don't blog for others to criticize what I write. I blog to share what I experience and learn from the world.

Yssa Quijano. Teacher. Traveler. Book lover. NEW BLOGGER.

I'm your Stargirl. :))