Goodbyes are never perfect

As I was reading my favorite blog site, I came across this blog and suddenly remembered a good friend. It was quite hard to save it because there are like 3 to 4 blogs on a page so I just copied it for her. (And I guess for myself too 'cause this is really one of the most beautifully written blogs I've ever read, and which I would most definitely read over and over again). I take no credits to this. This is written by CJA and was posted at http://lelove.blogspot.com. Enjoy reading! 

Nothing in life is certain, people, places and occurrences come and go. Nothing in this world is permanent. Life is a fleeting moment that reforms in each new passing instant. And while nothing is permanent, we are still effected and moved in unexpected ways. People that you never expected to hold significance in your life, become the ones hardest to forget. They stroll into your life as insignificant as single leaf is to a tree. And in a season or two, they fall, and their loss strikes a surprising pain.

Naked is the only way to describe how the loss of something so presumably insignificant makes you feel. You find that the smallest things throw you into memories that now seem so bittersweet and haunting. Every memory glorified to be almost unworldly perfect, but when you strain hard enough the flawed details surface, and realize your perceived reality is skewed. I can only equate this phenomenon to that of when someone dies. Suddenly their memory is perfect, every flaw vanishes. It’s not that they were perfect in reality, but rather from some reason we torture ourselves by believing their memory is flawless, making their severance nearly impossible and painstakingly difficult. 

This same situation holds true when you must muster an agonizing goodbye to someone close who moves to a different country, state, or even city. Their tie becomes almost impossible to cut as you trick yourself into believing every moment with them was much more magical than in reality it was. Their loss strikes a plaguing fear; the fear of forgetting them, and the fear of never finding someone to fill the empty void they left. While your common sense tells you that your void is not permanent, for nothing is, you heart is heavy with the notion that you emptiness is impermeable. It is simply easier to tend to the haunting memories of a past lover than to lend your fractured being someone who could easily, “kick you while you’re down,” so to speak. But what is even more difficult than saying a goodbye is to see the world in someone who sees nothing, to value their life above your own when they value their own at less than the worth of a single penny. To hear the words, “I want to die,” from someone so close feels like a knife plunging right the bottom of your soul. It obliterates every last bit of you, leaving you entirely hallow. Hopelessly all you can do is wish and pray that they find all the things that you have found in them. Hope that they discover why you fell in love with them, why you felt they were worth tearing down your fear of vulnerability for. To deal with a goodbye is hard enough, but deal with the idea that the person you feel so deeply for is suicidal is beyond what any words can describe. And then to be constantly bombarded with the question of how do you feel about so and so leaving is beyond difficult. You want to scream everything that you are feeling. You want to break down and cry and tell them how you are riddled with fear, confusion, and pain, but that’s not what people really want to hear. So you do what is easiest for them and for you and you say that you couldn’t care less, even though it is the furthest thing from the truth. 

I know that time heals all. I know eventually people will stop asking, and it will get easier. While a big part of me wishes I could forget everything, an even bigger part of me has believe that everything has purpose. While the purpose may not be clear now, I have hope that someday it will be. That is the beauty of fate. I have hope that things will get better not just on my end, but on his as well. Severance is never easy, goodbyes are never perfect, and I’m finally at peace with that. So goodbye and take care, may you find joy in all that you do. I only have the best of wishes for you.

CJA

The Machine

I’m on the verge of shutting down and when I do, there’s no going back. It would probably take me weeks to turn myself on again. And when I do, it’s like I was reformatted. All the bad files erased from my system, completely. Never to be recovered again. Some programs may be reinstalled. But some, I may choose to install no more, perhaps because they would be just clutters and never to be useful. They would just eat up space and have me work in slow motion. But then, I thought to myself, I could still do it. Work well even when I'm carrying some virus that are impossible to be deleted from my system.  I still have to function. Because shutting down could mean surrendering. And I won't ever surrender. 

The Unfairness of Life

Up to now, I’m still trying to figure out why in my freakin' life, I’d never been given importance by people I give importance to. Back then, I would just think that it’s just my hormonal imbalance over acting on me. But little by little, in others’ simple ways, I see why people never really stay long with me. First, I’m boring, not really fun to be with. I can’t crack jokes. I can’t get jokes, even simple ones. I don’t have that thing which they call “sense of humor”, or even if I have, then it’s only my cousin who really gets it and actually laughs at it because she has Pentium one joke antenna too. Second, I’m not that popular. Third, I’m not somebody who people could actually brag about hanging out with. I’m just a normal lonely girl. I’m not someone people could be happy with. And that’s why they leave me. They could not stay long with me because if they do, they’ll be sick of boredom and eventually die of it. Nobody wants a boring friend. I don’t. Honestly, sometimes I don’t even like myself. I am trying soo hard just to fit in. Really trying my best to get along well with others and be someone they’ll want to be friends with. But at the end of the day, no matter how hard I try, I come back to being me. I hear this voice telling me that I should not really try to be someone I’m not just because I want to please people, or to make them like me. But still, I could not seem to not respond to this certain part of me that seeks for acceptance and friendship. I remember what Audrey Hepburn said: “I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.” Deep down, I know that I just have to be a part of a circle. A part of something. And to do that, I have to change myself first. Or do I? But people say that we should accept everybody even with their imperfections. I guess I am so imperfect that nobody wants to be with me. Why does everything has to be unfair. I do my part and yet, it seems unequal. Everything seems pointless. But then, I stand still. Just there doing my part and hoping that the same thing will happen to me.

State of the Union (Weekend)

OUT

Break ups

Midnight snacks

Sleepiness

Bad mood

Miscommunication

IN

Milk Tea

Movie Marathon

Tiffany Chocolate

Victory '11-'12 Reunion

Vikings

Will it be a remake?

I was taken aback by that simple question. But I answered that's it's okay with me if "that" happens anyway. But I wasn't really thinking during that time. If I was then I'd probably answered - or even shouted - NO! Of course not. If that happens, then I'd probably die (figuratively) in pain. I'd probably never ever ever talk again. And I'd probably rush the months just to end the school year. And the suffering. But then, I'd still have to face it. I'd still have to accept the fact that it would happen. I'd still have to keep in mind that I do not hold the decisions made by people and even when I do, I do not have the right to keep them from making those decisions. It hurts to think about it. Just picturing them together tears me apart. Yes. Not just my heart, but "me" apart. I guess I fell hard. Soo hard that I could not rise from the fall. That it may take me awhile to be able to stand and say "I'm freakin' okay". Right now, I'm trying to figure ways just to ease the future pain (if ever it comes). And I sure could think of a lot. But what I'm never sure of is if I'd be able to perform those with tears forcefully kept behind my eyes. I'm used to being in pain. But I'm not used to being in pain because of him.

Back to the Blogging World

This is like a dusty piece of a furniture. I wipe it clean and I could use it again. I just want to be back into the blogging world. But this time, not to share about knowledge on life, but just to share moi life and everything in between.