A Bitch I once was

Sometimes, there are a lot of things that will come our way before we learn. We may or may not be a part of those occurrences. We may be in the light or in the dark. But what’s sure is that at the end of those circumstances, we get to realize a lot of things vital to the shaping of who we are as a person.

          I’d always thought I’m the good girl. The one who could understand everyone who needs understanding. The one who doesn’t care about taking sides. The one who’s always just and fair. But I’d never thought I’m no good. I’m just like the others. When I get mad, I curse, I bitch around, I hold grudges – and those, I realized, are what I’m good at. If I got mad, I mean really mad, at someone, I don’t talk with them, I don’t even look at them, I get by the whole day erasing them and their existence in my world.

          Looking at the big picture now, it dawned on me that I should never meddle with somebody’s problems. Better yet, not get mad at who they’re mad at. But then, if you’re my friend, then I’ll stand up for you. And that means I, will of course, take your side. Like always. In anything. But then, am I not taking your side because I hear a lot of stories from you that would make worst of the image of the one you’re mad at, then I figured that I’m turning against that person too even when s/he didn’t do anything bad to me. To fix my image, I could say that perhaps there are one or three mistakes that my friend’s foe did towards me, but is it reasonable for me to act like a bitch towards that person? Who, I may add, is technically my friend too. If I’m going to ask this myself then, I’d say yes, without second thoughts. But I’m asking myself this now, and I’d have to say no. Admittedly, I was a bitch.

          It was really sad that I get to realize these things just now. When it’s too late to fix things because they’re so damn broken. When that friend once was no longer a friend. I don’t know if it’s divine intervention, but one moment, I just found myself looking back to all the memories, and I realized how dumb I was to easily ruin the friendship I had because of such circumstances.

          I thought hard, and I guess God really helps us find a way to somehow retie some knots that were once broken if we really want to. And for a moment in my life, I said sorry. I wasn’t expecting for more. But I really didn’t think that these are people that despite so much pain they went through, they still know how to forgive and still want you back in their lives. These are people whom I’ve hurt a lot of times, and yet, still give me, sincerely, their love and forgiveness.

          Things and people happen due to reasons that we may never understand. But what’s sure is that we’ll never be forever blind. The right moment comes in which we get to realize that they have become instruments to make us better than who we were. 

Flipped

I just finished watching Flipped. You know that story with a boy (Bryce Loski) who was always annoyed by the girl who's clearly madly in love with him and had been stalking him since second grade, he tried everything to avoid her and then when he already did and she didn't like him anymore, he eventually came to realize that he really likes her.

I like the film. Not just because the boy who played Bryce Loski is way too cute, (which I've been ranting about with my cousin) but because I like the idea of it. Of having the courage to show someone how you really feel. Of not getting tired of loving someone even when you're not getting something in return. Of having your own spot (like on top of a tree) wherein you always find peace. Of knowing the best way to say you're sorry. Of knowing when to keep your distance. Of knowing when to stop even when it's too painful. Of having something to believe in. Of accepting things as they are. 

I began to wonder, perhaps I could be Juli, and you could be Bryce. I'm not into sycamore trees or anything but I knew that when I met you, I already flipped. Boy I did try to fight the feeling, but see I kept coming back to you. So I guess maybe someday you'll flip too? 

Seven years of friendship and I thought we'd still be counting

Tonight is another one of those nights that I wonder whatever did I do wrong. I don't want to believe them when they say that people come and go and we have to accept the fact that they won't be coming back. I mean I know the saying. I've witnessed a lot of scenarios like that. I just don't believe it because it happened to me before, with you. I could not forget when we cut the communication for a long time because of circumstances. But we surpassed that and we started talking again and I thought that you're the best thing that ever happened to me. We've been best friends for almost seven years now and we were always there for each other. You were always there for me. You always made me happy. And during those hard times I had in my life, you never left. You were there to tell me everything's gonna be fine. You'd really make me laugh and forget about my problems. You'd fix me and I'd be okay again. You were the person whom I turn to every time. I'd tell you stuff about my life and you'd tell me about yours, but you'd often ask how I am. I could tell you everything. It's like you're not just my best friend. What we had was definitely more than that. I loved you and I know you loved me too, not in the romantic sense, but we're us. We were different. A different kind of perfect. If there's one thing I was afraid of, it's losing you. And I told you that. I won't forget the moment you told me that we'd never be apart again, and that we'd always find our way to each other despite the busyness and the craziness. I held onto that. A lot of people promise me things and it was the only promise I kept on believing, because I have faith in you. But then I never thought it'd come to this. I never thought that you'd break your promise. January 1, 2013, you said no more disappearing. But hey, you just did. No goodbyes. And I'm trying so hard to figure it out. While I'm at it, I try my very best to get in touch with you as much as possible. But you act like you have amnesia and you didn't know me. You never respond. You should know that this freakin' fucking hurts! You know what the most painful part is? It's knowing and clearly seeing that whatever's happening to us, this distancing effect, is killing me but I never lost faith in you. I'm still fighting 'cause I still believe that it's worth it. That if you're not trying, then one of us still is. You know that I never gave up on you even when I knew that I looked stupid already. I still won't. Unless you tell me to do so. If you really want me out of your life, then I'll go. But to tell you, I strongly do not believe that I'm not worth an explanation. I told you that I could not imagine a life without you. But to make this friendship work, you'd have to feel that too. And if you don't feel the same, I guess it really is goodbye. No matter how painful and fucked up this is, I'll let you go. But I won't ever regret that you've been my best friend. It was really nice to meet you. What we had was great. Seven years and I thought we'd still be counting. Guess I was wrong. You slipped away, and took those years as if it would be easy to bury a 3/4 of a decade away.

PS. I think I have an idea on what's really happening. Well, I wish she's fucking happy now. 

The now is better

It had been a long time since we spent the day together. I almost forgot how it feels like to be with you. It was random. So flash forward, we went about the mall together, and I must say, I was really surprised that it wasn't anything that I expected it to be. Not in the negative sense, but we really hit it off. I was kind of thinking that perhaps there would be more awkwardness 'cause of the time frame that we last saw each other and talk in person, but I was completely wrong. 

The moment I first saw you today, it was like seeing my Mom and Dad after I got off my vacation. I felt excited and was looking forward to just talking with you. That moment I saw you, I need not force a smile 'cause it was there already. We started chatting about stuff and laughing and just teasing each other, and I was just so happy to finally get to see you again. 

You see, we're still us. But something changed. We're a lot comfortable with each other now than we used to. We said and did things that we never would've done in the past. I'm thinking perhaps this is the start of a new bond between us. Something that won't break. I had never foreseen this, but this is better than what I thought would happen. 

When You happened

When I was a child, I would always dream like a Princess. I wanted to end up with a handsome Prince, who could give me everything I'd ask for. I wanted to live in a castle-like house filled with shiny beautiful things. I wanted to go to exquisite posh places. I was determined to achieve these things. I thought that growing up will change things. But clearly, only one thing completely changed all of these: You happened. I fell. Hard. Along with these, I realize that material things are not what's important. It's being with the one you love, that is. I don't care anymore about castle-like houses or beautiful things or posh places or carriages or whatever. As long as I'm with you, nothing else matters because I'm happy and contented. I was born Princess-like, but I'm willing to leave all that behind and be a commoner with you. 

Yung natutunan ko out of all the pain I went through

Sabi sa mga nababasa kong chuchu sa internet, okay lang raw na masaktan ng ilang beses. Kasi magiging daan daw yun para matuto at maging matatag ang isang tao. Pero bago ko pa man mabasa yun, maraming beses na kong nasaktan. Di pa nga ako pamilyar sa paggamit ng internet, nasaktan na ko eh. Nakakatuwa lang, kasi napatunayan ko na totoo nga yun. 

Yung mga sakit na pinagdaanan ko, sobra. Hindi nga lang ata nawasak ang puso ko. Durog eh. Parang ginamitan ng mortar and pestle. Eh kasi naman sa twing pagaganahin ko ang puso ko, tuma-tanga ko. Kaya ang ending masasaktan ako. Sa maraming beses na nangyari sa'ken yun, isa lang naman ang cycle na pagdadaanan ko. 

Masasaktan -> Iiyak ng todo, yung parang wala na kong iiiyak pa -> Aasa pa rin na magiging okay ang lahat -> Iiyak ulit -> Madalas tutulala -> Aalalahanin ang nakaraan (habang umiiyak at nagpapatugtog ng malulungkot na kanta) -> Aasa ulit na magiging okay ang lahat -> Eh hindi naging okay kaya iiyak ulit at ipapangako na last na talaga -> Magbi-bitter-bitter-an -> Papapaniwalain ang sarili na wala na kong pakialam

*tapos uulit-ulitin ko yan hanggang sa maghilom at mabuo na ulit ang puso ko. Siguro gagawin ko yan ng mga ilang buwan, pinakamatagal na yung tatlong taon. 

Mahirap kasi kalimutan ang nakaraan. Lalo na kung hindi lang basta-basta yung nakaraan nyo. Ang ibig kong sabihin kung marami kayong naipundar na memories. Yung tipong kahit san ka tumingin may moment kang maaalala. Yun yung pinaka-masakit.

Sa daming beses nang nangyari nito sa'ken, natuto na ko. Yung ilang taon kong ginugugol sa paglimot, nagagawa ko na ng buwan. Alam ko na kasi kung anong mga effective na gawin para makalimot. 

Pero yung paglimot na ginagawa ko, iba sa natural na proseso. Usually kasi, ang ginagawa ng iba tinatapon, binabaon, oh kung ano pa mang term na ginagamit nila, lahat ng ala-ala. As in wipe out. Walang matitira. Para bang blankong pahina ulit. Yung sa'ken hindi ganun. Kung tutuusin nga wala naman akong tinatapon. Lahat kasi ng ala-ala, masaya man oh masakit, mahalaga sa'ken. Ang kinakalimutan ko lang, yung mali ko. Kasi usually naman, pag nasasaktan tayo, tayo rin ang may kasalanan. Hindi natin pwedeng sabihin na yung ibang tao ang mali. Kasi kung tutuusin, di naman nila tayo masasaktan kung hindi natin sila hahayaan. Kaya pag nasaktan na ko, di ako naninisi. Di ko na rin ginagawa yung routine na ginagawa ko noon. Ngumingiti nalang ako. Tinatawanan yung pagkakamali ko. Tapos sinusulat ko at tinatandaan kung anong natutunan ko sa sakit na yun. Tapos nagsisimula ako ulit. Di ko naman kasi kailangan magbabad sa sakit na yun. Wala namang patutunguhan kung magmumukmok lang ako. Oo iiyak ako. Pero di na tulad ng dati. Kasi di tulad noon, matatag na ko ngayon. Natuto na ko eh. After all tama naman talaga sila eh. Ok lang masaktan. Kasi dun tayo natututo at nagiging matatag. 

Soldier behind Walls

I am always a pessimist soldier. I figured that I should not be expecting victory to happen 'cause I don't want to be disappointed if they turn out into something I wouldn't be happy about. For years, I built these extremely huge walls around me to shield myself from my usual enemies. I was actually successful with that. I'm quite the expert in forgetting people and moments. Moreover, enduring pain and then starting over. It's like I became a full time soldier of life wearing a heavy soldier suit because I got a lot of medals and stuff. But all these strength and shielding, I may be pushing myself too much on it. With each push, I notice my walls crack, slowly crumbling in front of me. I always thought I've got the strategies planned out already, I didn't bother to check who the enemy is. With each brick that tumbles down from my walls, I push myself into saying that I'd soon be defeated. But since I still have a few bricks left, I still focus on what I believe in. (If you're wondering about the connection, let me just say that I view life as a battlefield that has it's victories and defeats.) And so when I left that particular place, I told myself that it wasn't really hard to walk away, what's harder is knowing you won't run after me. I was even brave to tell it to your face. That once I'm gone, it doesn't matter because you'd probably forget about me. You'd probably forget me in a few days time, when you don't see me anymore. I figured it would be easy for you to move on with life, and all those talks of wanting me to stay were just bull. I've been holding on to that belief. Adding bricks to my walls because I knew that it's a tough decision to shield myself from you and your memories. But with each brick I place, you fire shots at me and prove me I'm damn wrong. You continuously fire shots, and I've been thinking of surrendering. Who wouldn't surrender if they think that they're fighting for false assumptions right. I guess this is the effect of being a long time soldier. I was too busy fighting for something, then losing, which led me to think that I would lose everytime. That like in every enemy I had, I'd lose to you. So what I did, I built walls because maybe I'm too tired of fighting and I'm too afraid that you'll get to me and make me realize I'm wrong. I built walls because maybe I don't want to fight anymore, I just want to hide until the pain is healed. But whatever reason there is for me to be a soldier behind walls, I know now that it's just a reason I came up with because I don't want to feel gunshots anymore. This may start to dawn on me, but still I won't surrender. At least not to you. I guess I'll be hiding behind my walls until I can accept the fact that you're winning over me, again. 

My musings on a normal day

I woke up to the sound of my alarm at 5:30, just to turn my alarm off and continue my sleep. This is one of the rarest times I feel I'm not supposed to get up early because I'm busy. I can just sleep and do whatever I want all day. So as per usual, I get up at 11:30 am to the sound of my Mom's voice calling me for lunch. After eating, I have this habit of just walking around the house just for the pleasure of ... Walking. I then go and take a bath, for an hour because I have a lot of bathroom rituals which include performing as if I'm on a concert. After taking a bath is a very big problem. That's the moment for me to decide what will I be doing to ease my boredom for the day. What I usually do is to grab a book from my mini library and just read, but since I do this all the time, plus I don't have a new book to read, this is a pass. Do you know how it feels like to read the same story over and over again, well unless you really like it. So I move on to my next choice which is to watch a film or episodes from my favorite series. But if I don't have new DVDs, then it's just the same as reading the same story over again, so definitely I'll pass. This will lead me to my third option, turn on my netbook and surf the net, or probably play my dream life in Sims. These may kill a little of my time, but since I'm not allowed to use laptop for a long time, because of my eye problems, then I'd still have to think of other ways to kill my boredom. In the afternoon, my Mom and Dad have this habit of listening to radio dramas and since sometimes I find it amusing, I became a part of this corny afternoon delight as well. At 5 pm, my Dad will start preparing dinner (yes at 5 because we eat early dinner, always) and since I don't help with the household chores, then I just sit there, playing with my phones and wait. After dinner, I'll do my habit again of which you now know of. Then my Mom and I will start telling stories (Mother and daughter bonding session at 7pm). Time will pass and my Dad will finish watching his favorite Korean telenovela and will say that it's already my turn to watch TV. I'll go to the TV room, and wonder what to watch because I'm not into watching TV programs. They're soo predictable and our signal is not that good because we don't have cable installed due to my Mom's practicality and Dad's distaste of repeating shows over and over, which is always the case of cable channels.

With all these, what I'm really trying to say is that I completely live a life of a bummer. A life that I left 2 years ago. A life that I have always wanted to go back since I started working. The fact is, for the past 2 years I've been busy with school stuff. I devoted my weekdays to teaching and working on papers. You might be thinking now, what about my weekends? My weekends were not actually how a weekend is defined, in which I could recharge and take a complete rest. But during weekends, I devoted myself to studying for my Masters. I even studied during the summer. So you can imagine my dismay when I realized that I'm not actually doing anything with my life right now. I was a busy career woman and I liked it. I got used to always being occupied by whatever that I'm starting to hate the idea of being unoccupied at the moment. Somehow it doesn't feel right. I feel completely empty. Since I am unoccupied, I try to occupy others' space. I bother my friends by telling them about how I might go insane because of this kind of life, but my friends are my friends. They're different but they only say one thing. They tell me that I just have to wait because surely God has a right timing to give me what I want out of life. And then I thought of what and who I was, 2 years ago, before I became an occupied busy career woman. I was ... This. Whatever I'm doing now, this was my life. And my life blessing was an oportunity that I didn't expect. I remembered those moments when I waited for something great to happen to my life, having all those dramas of being unlucky and giving up because nothing great will ever happen to me. But on the most unexpected time, I was given an almost perfect life to live. I waited. It was granted. That time I realized that God doesn't really give up on us. He works miracles in ways we could never imagine. And in moments that we never expect.

So whenever I wake up to the sound of my alarm at 5:30 in the morning, I wake up to a new day full of hopes and dreams that I believe will one day be completely mine. :)

For you who kept my heart for a year

I never thought of you to be kinder. Usually, you’re the type of guy who wreaks havoc in the lives of innocent girls and leaves them picking up the pieces of their heart. So I tried hard to stay away from you. I nearly did. But you were easy to get along with, and we walk the same way home. I figured it wasn’t wrong to be friends. That’s right. I saw you just as a friend back then. But then, circumstances happened. Fights occurred. And to my surprise we ended up fixing things by just talking. I thought it was really different. And really sweet. That’s when I started to hang out with you. Buying and eating lunch together. Go to places together. Send messages. Asks favors. Wait for the other in going home. We did everything together. And I started to guard my heart. But I wasn’t a good cop. Without me knowing, you stole my heart and kept it with you. It was like a conspiracy that I’m part of. I knew you had it, but I never tried to take it back. I allowed myself to be captured by you. Then a lot of things happened that brought us closer to each other. But the closer we get, the more mysterious you became. But I never asked. I never complained. Because for me, you are perfectly what you are. And the more perfect I see you as, the deeper I fell for you. And I couldn’t do anything about it. I knew I didn’t have the chance. I had thoughts to assume, but I pulled back. Because I knew that the moment I start with the assumptions, there’s no way back to sanity. Along with the feelings, there came fights and reconciliations, and memories to last a lifetime. During that time I was already aware that it would be hard for me to go when the time comes so I kept tabs on the things we did together for me to remember. While I was at that, I realized that I shouldn’t be listing down anymore, because surely I wouldn’t forget. How could I if I did everything with you already. That realization hit me. And it was so damn painful ‘cause I was aware that it would be my ticket to sadness. That year was not long. One day I woke up, and realized that I only had a few days before we say goodbye. I was being emotional and had a lot of thoughts. Of sad thoughts. But I smiled through the pain anyway. Yet you told me that I was too transparent and that you know how I felt that time. That I wasn’t really happy. That I wasn’t really prepared to go. There are a lot of things that you know about me, things that you knew because you’re a good observer. But still, there are things you don’t know. Things I didn’t tell you because I didn’t have the heart to. The truth is, I was afraid. I was afraid of leaving. When you talked me into staying, you had no idea that I had that letter of intent readied all along. But then I thought that if leaving is painful and scary, then it’s much scarier and more painful to stay. I knew that the moment I stay, it was like I was swearing that I’m ready with whatever that will happen this coming year. But reality is, I’m not. I may not know what will come but if there’s one thing I’m sure of, there won’t always be sunshines. We may change along the way. We may get tired of each other and look for another companion. We may fall in love, but not with each other. That will definitely hurt. And since I’m transparent and you’re the one who could always see that, then I couldn’t hide that it’s painful. And since I’m frank about things, I may say out loud that I actually regret staying. I don’t want those things to happen. So before they may occur, I already prevented them to. I’m not actually happy with the decision I made. But I guess it’s for the better of the both of us. 

Sleeping Beauty (Another Version)

Once, there was a girl who decided to dedicate her life to sharing knowledge with children. And so she grew up decided to be a teacher. It may be said that she's good at it for a beginner. Everyone in the institution loves her. She's this girl who everybody approaches whenever they need someone to talk with. She spent her year, committing fully to the profession. She focused only on her family, her students whom she treated as her kids, and to her co-teachers whom she sees as friends. After a year, she may not have earned any award but she certainly did received a big amount of love given by the people mentioned above.

On her 21st year, and her second year of teaching, she realized that people never really stay in one place for long. Her beloved co-teachers cum friends said goodbye and went on to different paths. And so she thought of also wanting to leave because she thought that without her friends, her life in this institution was over. But of course, as most people guessed, she was wrong. Along with the new school year, new teachers came. That was an opportunity to meet new people. But she could never move. For some time she kept to herself because she couldn't bring herself to think that she would be having a new circle. She thought that that would have felt different. And she felt different. She was introduced to this new circle but all she did was smile.

Then she was introduced to one in particular, a beautiful man, and the emptiness she felt, losing her former friends, was covered by hatred and sarcasm and confusion. He was the spinning wheel that she never pricked at first sight. She hated the man. She didn't trust beautiful people and this man was too beautiful she couldn't bring herself to look at him for long. She decided to ignore him. But as days passed, she became curious of this person. She wanted to explore and so she did. Every now and then she'd come near him, being careful not to touch him. But one day, something happened, something that no one could ever figure out what, that forced her to touch him. Her mind thought, just one touch from the forefinger. She just wanted to know how it feels if she did. So she did. Just like that, the prick included the palm, next thing she knew her whole body aches to wrap itself to his. And the moment she did, she fell into a completely deep slumber.

Her new friends found her there, and they knew exactly what happened. Her one great friend in particular allowed her to sleep because she understood. Her friend even brought her newly washed pillows and blankets. As for her other friends, they understood, because this was the first time that it happened to her. For the whole year, her old self who always had time for her kids, family and friends faded away. She just became that girl lying beautifully on those crumpled sheets, in a deep sleep.

The beautiful man would always be there but he never woke her up. He also never tried. The more he stayed with her, the deeper her sleep became. Her friend thought that this might not be a good idea. Letting the man stay with her. So she started to shoo away the man and tried waking up her friend. She did everything. Buckets of cold water. Kicks. Slaps on the face. Really deep pinches. And a lot more grotesque as I am exagerating. But the girl never woke up, she just accumulated a lot of scars that somehow were managed to be hidden under her fragile body.

The beautiful man, continued to stay by her side, like a poison, slowly turning her slumber into death. The girl lay still, became paler and paler each day, without any hopes of getting her life back. Her friends started to think about giving up. But the moment they were about to, a light casted upon the maiden who had been sleeping for a long time.

Then out of nowhere, a gentleman, though not beautiful as the other one, came and rescued the girl, not by kissing, but by a simple touch on the hand. And just like that, a simple gesture, made the girl woke up from her deep slumber. When she first flung her eyes open, she was confused about everything that happened when she was out. But when she saw the gentleman, she saw in him a familiar face. A face that were somewhere in her dreams. She knew he was there, but she didn't follow him or ask about his whereabouts. She didn't even know why. She just went on sleeping, dreaming with the beautiful man before her, and this gentleman somewhere in the background.

Unlike any characters, she didn't look for answers. But certainly got one when she woke up. After some time of insanity, perhaps a side effect from the deep sleep, she managed to get her life back. Her friends were very happy that she did. She's very happy that she did. She didn't think that her slumber was a complete waste. In fact, it was helpful enough for her to realize that the beautiful man would never have woken her up. He's beautiful but with him by her side, she would've been completely paralyzed, never to be awaken to see this world again.

As for the gentleman who saved her, he's still there, but not somewhere in the background anymore. He's actually slowly working his way to stand before her, and prove her that dreams really do come true.