Soldier behind Walls

I am always a pessimist soldier. I figured that I should not be expecting victory to happen 'cause I don't want to be disappointed if they turn out into something I wouldn't be happy about. For years, I built these extremely huge walls around me to shield myself from my usual enemies. I was actually successful with that. I'm quite the expert in forgetting people and moments. Moreover, enduring pain and then starting over. It's like I became a full time soldier of life wearing a heavy soldier suit because I got a lot of medals and stuff. But all these strength and shielding, I may be pushing myself too much on it. With each push, I notice my walls crack, slowly crumbling in front of me. I always thought I've got the strategies planned out already, I didn't bother to check who the enemy is. With each brick that tumbles down from my walls, I push myself into saying that I'd soon be defeated. But since I still have a few bricks left, I still focus on what I believe in. (If you're wondering about the connection, let me just say that I view life as a battlefield that has it's victories and defeats.) And so when I left that particular place, I told myself that it wasn't really hard to walk away, what's harder is knowing you won't run after me. I was even brave to tell it to your face. That once I'm gone, it doesn't matter because you'd probably forget about me. You'd probably forget me in a few days time, when you don't see me anymore. I figured it would be easy for you to move on with life, and all those talks of wanting me to stay were just bull. I've been holding on to that belief. Adding bricks to my walls because I knew that it's a tough decision to shield myself from you and your memories. But with each brick I place, you fire shots at me and prove me I'm damn wrong. You continuously fire shots, and I've been thinking of surrendering. Who wouldn't surrender if they think that they're fighting for false assumptions right. I guess this is the effect of being a long time soldier. I was too busy fighting for something, then losing, which led me to think that I would lose everytime. That like in every enemy I had, I'd lose to you. So what I did, I built walls because maybe I'm too tired of fighting and I'm too afraid that you'll get to me and make me realize I'm wrong. I built walls because maybe I don't want to fight anymore, I just want to hide until the pain is healed. But whatever reason there is for me to be a soldier behind walls, I know now that it's just a reason I came up with because I don't want to feel gunshots anymore. This may start to dawn on me, but still I won't surrender. At least not to you. I guess I'll be hiding behind my walls until I can accept the fact that you're winning over me, again.