For you who kept my heart for a year

I never thought of you to be kinder. Usually, you’re the type of guy who wreaks havoc in the lives of innocent girls and leaves them picking up the pieces of their heart. So I tried hard to stay away from you. I nearly did. But you were easy to get along with, and we walk the same way home. I figured it wasn’t wrong to be friends. That’s right. I saw you just as a friend back then. But then, circumstances happened. Fights occurred. And to my surprise we ended up fixing things by just talking. I thought it was really different. And really sweet. That’s when I started to hang out with you. Buying and eating lunch together. Go to places together. Send messages. Asks favors. Wait for the other in going home. We did everything together. And I started to guard my heart. But I wasn’t a good cop. Without me knowing, you stole my heart and kept it with you. It was like a conspiracy that I’m part of. I knew you had it, but I never tried to take it back. I allowed myself to be captured by you. Then a lot of things happened that brought us closer to each other. But the closer we get, the more mysterious you became. But I never asked. I never complained. Because for me, you are perfectly what you are. And the more perfect I see you as, the deeper I fell for you. And I couldn’t do anything about it. I knew I didn’t have the chance. I had thoughts to assume, but I pulled back. Because I knew that the moment I start with the assumptions, there’s no way back to sanity. Along with the feelings, there came fights and reconciliations, and memories to last a lifetime. During that time I was already aware that it would be hard for me to go when the time comes so I kept tabs on the things we did together for me to remember. While I was at that, I realized that I shouldn’t be listing down anymore, because surely I wouldn’t forget. How could I if I did everything with you already. That realization hit me. And it was so damn painful ‘cause I was aware that it would be my ticket to sadness. That year was not long. One day I woke up, and realized that I only had a few days before we say goodbye. I was being emotional and had a lot of thoughts. Of sad thoughts. But I smiled through the pain anyway. Yet you told me that I was too transparent and that you know how I felt that time. That I wasn’t really happy. That I wasn’t really prepared to go. There are a lot of things that you know about me, things that you knew because you’re a good observer. But still, there are things you don’t know. Things I didn’t tell you because I didn’t have the heart to. The truth is, I was afraid. I was afraid of leaving. When you talked me into staying, you had no idea that I had that letter of intent readied all along. But then I thought that if leaving is painful and scary, then it’s much scarier and more painful to stay. I knew that the moment I stay, it was like I was swearing that I’m ready with whatever that will happen this coming year. But reality is, I’m not. I may not know what will come but if there’s one thing I’m sure of, there won’t always be sunshines. We may change along the way. We may get tired of each other and look for another companion. We may fall in love, but not with each other. That will definitely hurt. And since I’m transparent and you’re the one who could always see that, then I couldn’t hide that it’s painful. And since I’m frank about things, I may say out loud that I actually regret staying. I don’t want those things to happen. So before they may occur, I already prevented them to. I’m not actually happy with the decision I made. But I guess it’s for the better of the both of us.